Our Neshei Chayil lunch

On first day of Shavuot, we held a Kiddush lunch for the whole community to honour the women of our shul. Huge thanks to Helen Style for leading on this initiative and to Linda Cohen for organising a delicious lunch.

Ilana Swimer and Ruth Jampel were both honoured and their speeches are here for those who couldn’t be there or want to read them again.

Ilana was introduced by Karen Ackerman who said,

For those of you who don’t know, Ilana and I are cousins. We grew up in a very close family where our mums were 5 sisters collectively known as the Aunties, all members of Chigwell shul. We were lucky, or unlucky depending on your perspective to grow up with 5 Jewish mothers, 5 opinions on everything, but 5 houses where we were as welcome as our own.

I’ve known Ilana all her life and most of mine, and there are a few things that are very apparent about Ilana as soon as you get to know her.

She doesn’t do things by halves. If Ilana sets her mind to something she does it until it is the best it can possibly be. Her Mum told me about an occasion once when she was at school when she had to write a poem She sat for hours with no inspiration and refused all offers of help, even though her Dad, Howard has a gift for writing poetry,(not all suitable for a school project however) She wouldn’t come out until she had one – and she did get there in the end, but I hope it was a slightly higher quality than this one her mum dug out that she wrote at Primary school “The hedgehog is dead in the middle of the road. I don`t think he knows his green cross code.”

Ilana has very high standards…  Her mum also told me about how she when she went on a trip to Israel in year 6 of Ilford Jewish Primary, they arrived at the kibbutz to stay, Ilana, cleaned the toilets and showers before she would use them! But the upside of this thoroughness and high standards means that if I need a recommendation, I don’t need to shop around, my own personal version of Trip Advisor is Ilana, I just ask Ilana who she uses and where she’s been and they’re always perfect.

Ilana is not someone to mess with. – She loves an argument and rarely backs down, when she was at City- she went to a conference on the Middle East. The speaker put forward an argument that Ilana didn’t agree with – she asked a question but she knew the answer. When he got it wrong she demolished him and smiled in an innocent fashion whilst doing it.

These are all qualities that have stood her in excellent stead and helped her progress in her successful career as an employment lawyer, Whilst I would feel in very safe hands if she was representing me, I feel very sorry for anyone on the other side

Ilana is very caring. When Ilana was on her IJPS Israel tour, once she was happy the showers were clean, she was there to comfort one of the girls who cried and was home sick. Ilana is one of 4 siblings who all adore her, she has always tried to protect her siblings so when David would get into trouble for leaving his clothes all over the floor Ilana picked them up and put them away.

This is a quality that she has put to good use here at Muswell Hill Shul, she’s been a leader of the social action projects here including Mitzvah Day and Cooking club and she also leads the children services.

Ilana is a wonderful mum to Saul, Annie and Yael. – giving them a role model of an active, working mum, a fabulous wife to Greg, together they make a powerful, if not slightly terrifying team. And most importantly she is a great cousin and friend..

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ilana…

Ilana’s speech:

Thank you Karen for your kind words.

I am relieved!  I sent my talk to Karen to check it was ok because I knew that she would be honest.  She was!  She said that the talk was fine, but I shouldn’t be so confident that she would say some kind words!

I enjoy being part of Muswell Hill Shul and in particular, that we care about making a difference to the wider community around us.  I have grown up with great privileges – a stable loving home, never having to worry about being properly fed and housed.  And Greg and I work hard as a team to love and provide for our 3 lovely children, Yael, Annie and Sauli in the same way.  Mitzvah Day, cooking club and the work with the social action group gives me a chance to get involved, even in a small way in important projects to help those less fortunate.

When my daughter Annie gave her d’var Torah at her bat mitzvah in February, she mentioned that it amazed her that many of the ancient laws in the Torah are still relevant today.

I was reminded of her words at a recent stone-setting.  We said the ‘Eshet Chayil’ prayer, which talks about ‘a woman of strength’ and sets out her areas of responsibility:  These include:

• She rises while it is still night, providing food for her household
• She sees that her business goes well
• She reaches her palm to the poor, and extends her hand to the needy
• She opens her mouth with wisdom
• She watches over the ways of her household

Striving to be an ‘Eshet Chayil’ was a juggling act in biblical times and many working mums today will recognise these challenges.

This week 82 women marched for equality at the Cannes film festival, campaigning against gender-based discrimination in the film industry.  The press are naturally interested because these are famous, glamorous women.

I want to talk briefly about two matters on which I have advised recently, in my work as an employment lawyer.  To me these demonstrate the extent to which the experience of these famous women is replicated everywhere.

I also want to be clear that I advise both employers and employees and I certainly do not have an agenda to suggest that all employers treat women badly.

The first case is actually two matters, involving two unconnected women. I group them together because they involve an almost identical sets of facts.

Both women worked in the media and entertainment industry and had been with their employers for around 15 years when they became pregnant.  When they wanted to return to work they were told that their roles were being made redundant. In both cases, they were the only individuals in their team to be made redundant.

Having advised on several such cases I would make this observation.  Most workplaces are naturally passive when it comes to reviewing team structures and so the status quo is often preserved.  However when a woman takes time off for maternity leave, her employer will often need to consider how to manage during her absence and uses this as an opportunity to take stock of both the competency of that woman and their role in the team.  Many men are not out of the workplace for such an extended period of time, so their positions are more rarely assessed.

Many working mums are therefore forced to find new roles following maternity leave.  This is at a time where many lose workplace confidence, are reassessing their life priorities, and are dealing with the many practical challenges of childcare.  So naturally this is rarely to their benefit.

In a separate case another woman for whom I acted was a full-time working mum who had been working for the same company for more than 20-years.

Her son fell seriously ill and she worked flexibly so that she could be there for him to take him to hospital appointments and support his recovery.  Her workplace supported her until she made a formal request to work from home on a Friday.  This was refused.  She was told that the business could not accommodate such a request and it was suggested to her that she was not 100% committed to the role.  They proposed increasing her commitment, asked her to travel more often and to always be present in the office.  Sadly, this prompted her to consider her position and she negotiated an exit and was replaced by a man prepared to work the hours they required.

So my second observation is this:  some workplaces actively discriminate against women and the ‘me-too’ campaign is being successful in highlighting these.  But many other workplaces, including the case of the woman I just mentioned, and the city law firm where I worked, do not discriminate against women per se.  A high performing woman who is prepared to work long hours is eligible to be promoted in the same way as a man who does the same.  However, fewer women are willing to do this because statistically, they are more likely to be balancing their work with child-care or other carer obligations making it more difficult to attend evening networking events or work long hours in the office.

This is the reality for many working mums despite the significant laws to protect women in the workplace.  Notwithstanding this, the legislation is vital.

In almost any case where I advise, the first question from the employer is this– what does the law say? What am I requiredto do as a minimum in this situation?  It is not that employers will not do the right thing without the legislation, but the legislation certainly guides the way.

Things are changing. In part this is because of the number of women who now re-enter or remain in the workplace once they have had children.  Recent data shows that this is now nearly 75% of mums.

I do wonder what the workplace will look like for my 2 girls and their friends.  I am hopeful that by the time they enter the workplace, it will be a more equal place for all, judged by merit alone.

And maybe, the workplace culture will allow both men and women to balance work, raising children and be actively involved in their community – to strive to achieve the stretching ambitions for an Eshet Chayil.

Ruth was introduced by Jude Vandevelde who said:

Ruth’s speech

Thank you so much for the honour of being an Eshet Chayil this year. It’s lovely to be celebrating in a community that mean so much to us.

Neil and I joined this shul 21 years ago and it’s a hugely important part of our lives. In fact my family’s association with Muswell Hill goes back way beyond that .My mum and dad were members in the early 60s when Rabbi and Rebbetzen Brasil were here, and my Uncle Sam Jampel was the civil engineer who worked on this building alongside the architect, Joe Mendelson. Sadly   we have three names of 3 family members on the yurzheit board  and we’ve said kaddish for my dad and both Neil’s parents …yet happily we have celebrated 3 bar and  bat mitzvahs here too…..

In fact,this is possibly the part of the speech where I’m expected to thank my family for their support…but actually  I’m constantly teased at home about my so-called “ religiosity “and for being “ a macher”,…although I do get my own back every time Neil is called Mr Jampel….

Seriously, I’m  very proud  that all our family  are intrinsically linked with the life of the shul.Both Ruby and Lara have spoken at Yom Hashoah and Yom Ha’atzmaut events, and  both have worked as TAs in the cheder, . Jonas is currently one of the youth leaders who supports Josh with R Club and has taught lots of boys Anim Zemirot and helped out at the Winter Shelter. All three of our kids  have come along with me to interfaith events at Wightman Road Mosque and have joined in with Mitzvah Day projects . Neil has got strong friendships on the back row , which are cemented at the Whiskey Club and the Manor Gym, and it’s always emotional to see him and Jonas duchening together.

What I really love is the way our  shul lets you be who you want to be and allows us to  contribute  creativlely and start initiatives – you really can be the change you want to see, here at Muswell Hill. Whatever your skill set or interest , you can kick something off here. I loved children’s services growing up in Norrice  Lea, so  I therefore got very involved in setting up and running children’s services here…  If you like drinking…why not start a whiskey club, enjoy jazz – ther’s a jazz group. Think we need a nursery…before you know it Helen Style, Emma Kravitz and Stephen Frosh made it happen.

We read in today’s parasha , taken from Shmot, how Bnei Yisrael declared “na asseh ve nishma “ on hearing  G-D’s commandments – we will do and we will hear “and I feel that as a shul  we embody  this spirit. We are a community of DOERS, doing  the things we feel are necessary, and right, and which we know are Torah-true. We do these things because we see the need, we genuinely want to carry out acts of chesed,  of loving kindness,  and not so that we make it into the JC or Ham and High. Quite nice when we’re in it though…

The Torah repeatedly tells us to be kind to strangers as we were stangers in Egypt, and to love our neighbour as we love ourself, and our community excels in these mitzvot. According to the Midash, the 10 Commandments were transmitted in all the 70 languages of the world, a mark of their universal relevance of the Sinai relevaltion to all of mankind – and we embrace all of mankind here

The Rabbi, Karen Ackerman and Anna Lawton saw the real need for our shul to host  the winter shelter and  we made it happen, thereby not only helping many homeless people in the area but also givingloads of us  us the chance to actively carry out mitzvot.   The social justice team ,mostly women, also help vulnerable people in the wider community, and now as a shul we all have the chance to collect and help at the food bank, cook in the cooking club, and ,thanks to Ilana here, we have so many opportunites to DO good through Mitzvah Day.

As we know,  many amazing women  in our shul epitomise ‘’Na asseh ve nishma” and   have carried out great initiatives in recent years. Norma saw the need for a Rosh Chodesh group and women’s megillah reading , and made it happen.  Judith Devons and Miriam Brahams now enable these  to carry on .Gloria  wanted us to mark Holocaust Memorial Day and now she, Helen and myself host hundreds of students each year. Many women have come along to events I’ve organised alongside the women of Wightman Road Mosque, as we see the need for genuinely strong relationships beyond our shul community. Elisheva has helped us make Simchat Torah more meaningful for women  by instituting dancing with the Torah ,and last Succot  many women and girls  took an active part in hoshannas. Ruth Teacher, Elisheva, myself and many many other women have helped to create and establish the women’s service …and now so many fantastic mothers and daughters have taken up the mantle and organise meaningful and tefillah-rich Bat mitzvah services.

This is carrying along a fantastic tradition we have here in Muswell Hill. My mum tells me how Rebbetzin Brasil was the first person to organise meals on wheels for the disabled, Ros Abrahams is always telling us about the women of the Tudor circle who achieved so much back in the day. Nikki Epstein organised and led the cheder for many many years before Sam Blendis and Rachel Hope took over the reins.

What I’m trying to say is that there are  many many women here who we can call Eshet Chayil, a woman of worth.This honour could have been rightfully given to  every woman in the room…though that would mean sitting though a lot  more speeches I realise….

Of course, Shavuot  is a really  apt time to celebrate  us women.

The rabbis tell us that  after Moshe  received the Torah from G-D  at Har Sinai, he offered it first to the Jewish women, for he knew that if we accepted it, it would become part of the Jewish people for all time.

And of course at Shavuot we read about one of the most important and quietly heroic women in the Tanach, Ruth.

Being born in June, Sivan, and having the name Ruth has always given me a strong affinity with Ruth, standing in the alien corn. Her quiet yet determined loyalty and fidelity and desire to help others are great attributes to aspire to.

Some male commentators believe Megillah Rut’s merit mainly  lies in the fact that she is the great grandmother of King David… Of course often we can trace  our achievements back  to those who came before us and who have built our foundations…As a religion and a people we very much believe in the good deeds accrued by our forefathers….and of course we are all the products of those who came before us.

Therefore  I am hugely  indebted to  my parents and grandparents  – all of them survivors from  Europe – and their lives of resilience and determination , of action and kindness, and the example they’ve given me and my family of looking beyond yourselves and seeing how you can be of use to others.

All the things that are important to me –  Holocaust education,  interfaith acivities, social action  – have all come from their foundations and can-do attitude..

I know Neil and I feel sure our kids will continue to build on these   amazing qualities embodied by my parents  and by this shul itself .

We read that at Har Sinai  , as we were given the 10 Commandments, את הקולות
All the people could see the sounds. (20:15), they could see that which is audible,.

With this miracle Hashem was conveying an important message for posterity. For a  Rabbi,teacher or parent  to be sure their message is being heard  it’s crucial  that the listeners “see” that   the speaker actually lives and practices what they preach..

I hope the messages and voices of our community inspire our next generation in Muswell Hill to “na  asseh ve nishma” – to do and to hear.

Thank you for listening and Chag Sameach.