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Dear friends and community at Muswell Hill Shul
I wanted to share some resources I have gathered as a way of managing some of the shock, anguish, heartache and fear many of us have been experiencing since the devastating massacre in Israel on 7th October. Some of these are intended for supporting children and young people, others are about looking after ourselves, managing anxiety and holding on to hope to support our resilience.
We will also create a space for discussion together at the shul on Sunday 5th November at 8pm, and we could share some ideas that I have turned to in my clinical work over the years with adults and children who have experienced grief and trauma. I will also draw on new resources that have been written over the past two weeks. We would be joined for that session by my dear friend and colleague, Dr Fiona Starr (also a Clinical Psychologist)
We would want to create a session that feels most helpful to everyone, so please do contact me on if you have any hopes of things we need to understand before then.
Warmly
Victoria
Support for our own Muswell Hill Community in the Aftermath of the 7th October Massacre.
October, 2023
“How do you do it?” said night
“How do you wake and shine?”
“I keep it simple.” Said light
“One day at a time”
Lemn Sissay
As the details of the horrific terrorist attacks that took place on 7th October over Shabbat and Simchat Torah unfold, the distress is far-reaching. Our connections to family and friends in Israel are – for so many of us – central to our lives. Our relationships with Israel as a country are often integral to our identities as Jewish people. Many of us feel fear, anger, and especially helplessness both with the situation in Israel and with reports or experiences of antisemitism here in the UK. Each of us will have our coping mechanisms which most of the time are sufficient. However, as more stories emerge of the agony of what has happened in Southern Israel alongside fear of what will be next in Gaza, for Israelis and Palestinians, we are reminded that these are not ordinary times. We are faced with such uncertainty that many of us are understandably anxious and fearful. Acknowledgement of that distress can itself be a critical first step in managing wellbeing and reducing a sense of isolation that can accompany pain.
We have learned about friends, relatives, colleagues, teachers, madrichim (leaders) and friends of friends who may have been murdered, taken hostage, violated, are separated from each other and isolated, or displaced with their homes having been destroyed and seeking emergency shelter. This guidance has been developed from a collection of resources we draw on in CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) to support families in times of extreme distress, grief and trauma. Although written in a context of supporting families, hopefully these resources will still be relevant for all of us who are intrinsically affected by events in Israel. Our thoughts and sincere condolences are with everyone – friends, teachers, families, children, young people, adults, parents, grandparents and the wider community.
Let us begin with some advice about how we look after ourselves and manage anxiety created by Drs Nikki Scheiner and Amanda Lurie (Clinical Psychologists working with the Board of Deputies and CST) who suggest ‘It is absolutely ok not to feel ok’. Here is a link to some tips on how to manage our own anxiety and maintain psychological well being.
https://bod.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/Top-Tips-for-Psychological-Wellbeing.pdf
The impact of traumatic events on children and families
What we know is that children will process significant traumas and the knowledge of devastating events in time, especially with the support of family, friends, school and the wider community. How long it takes to recover will also depend on what has happened to your family and loved ones during and after these times and the extent of loss as well as the ongoing uncertainty of events unfolding ahead. Many families will have lost loved ones. Some may have family or friends who have been taken hostage or have been seriously injured and will require medical treatment and long-term rehabilitation. Some will be part of families now known to be struggling with damage to their home and possessions, with access to medical care, and increased financial strain.
Adults and children will also react differently to the news of these events in Israel and their aftermath depending on their own lives and prior experiences, as our grief and distress can be retriggered by resonances of the trauma of others. We can also expect that children’s reactions are strongly influenced by how their parents, relatives, teachers, and other care-givers cope. They often turn to these adults for information, comfort, and help. There are many reactions that are common among children. These generally diminish with time but knowing about them can help you be prepared.
Let’s begin with some excellent and accessible visual resources from Pajes organisation, which provides support to Jewish schools in the UK. These resources contain accessible videos, which may be worth watching yourselves or with your children
https://www.pajes.org.uk/response_to_war_in_israel
There are also some helpful resources from Beacon House here
Talking-to-children-about-war-and-conflict.pdf
Common reactions to knowing about trauma, shock and devastating events which are out of our control – here and in Israel:
Feelings of anxiety, fear, and worry about the safety of self and others:
- Children may have increased fears and worries about leaving their homes and separation from their families here in the UK
- Young children may clingto their parents, siblings, or teachers more than usual
- Anxiety about the safety of their homes here: school, shuls and other buildings
- Changes in behaviour
- Increased/decreased activity levels
- Decreased concentration and attention
- Increased irritability, withdrawal or emotional outbursts
- Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches, general aches and pains)
- Changes in school-related work habits, social behaviour, and behaviour in the family
- Staying focused on the rightening event (talking repeatedly about it – young children may “play” the event)
- Increased sensitivity to sounds heard on the news (sirens, loud noises, things falling or crashing – connecting them to the news)
- Changes in sleep and appetite
- For those where family members are directly affected, there may be lack of interest in usual activities, including how they spend time with friends
Things I Can Do for My Child
- Begin by taking care of yourselves. By ‘putting your own oxygen mask first’ you will feel more robust and able to be alongside your child. This includes taking time to eat as well as you can, rest before sleeping to unwind from the day and keeping active and physical.
- Spend time talking with your children when you feel up to it, and if it is not in this moment – let them know that you have some talking time to go through worries/questions they may have. Let children know that it is OK to ask questions and express their concerns. Their fears and concerns may need to be discussed more than one time and you should remain open to answering new questions and providing helpful information if you can, but do ask other adults to support you when you need. Find time to have these conversations that fits for you and your child.
- Find time such as if you eat together or sit together in the evening, to talk about what is happening in the family as well as in the community. Answer questions briefly and honestly, but also ask your children for their opinions and ideas.
- For younger children, follow conversations about the events they have understood with a favourite story or an activity to help them feel more safe and calm.
- Allocate specific ‘worry time’ by posting pictures or letters about worrying thoughts in a ‘post box’ at home and create time for going through those worries one at a time in a specific moment in the week.
- Maintain routines. Children feel more safe and secure with structure and routine. As much as possible, stick to everyday routines (including mealtimes, bedtime).
- Maintain expectations or “rules”. Stick with family rules, such as rules about good behaviour and respect for others.
- Limit news exposure. Protect your child from too much news coverage about the unfolding events, including those in newspapers, on the Internet, or on the radio or television.
- Communicate about community recovery. Reassure children that things are being done in the affected communities as far as possible to help families and communities.
- Encourage children to help. Children recover and cope better when they feel they are helping. Find ways your children can help, including with clean-up or family activities/gathering supplies for relief efforts etc.
- Give support at bedtime. Children may become anxious when they separate from their parents, especially at bedtime. Try to spend more time with your children at bedtime with such activities as telling a story.
- Monitor adult conversations. Be aware of what is being said during adult conversations about the crisis and its aftermath. Children may misinterpret what they hear and can be frightened unnecessarily about something they do not understand.
- Get your child’s teacher involved. If there has been a serious injury or death or people are missing in your families and communities, please do let your child’s teacher or other supporting and caring adults know so the school can be of help.
- Keep things hopeful. Even in the most difficult situations, identify some positive aspect and try to stay hopeful for the future. A positive and optimistic outlook helps children see the good things in the world around them.
Further information can be found at the website of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network in America, www.NCTSN.org.
General advice for young people and adults around news, social media, online forums of information sharing (taken from a clinical psychologist leading practice in Israel)
- Obsessively keeping up with the networks and news can provide us with a sense or illusion of control. It is as though if we are constantly up to date, we are doing something about what has happened. In practice, not only do we not do or help anyone, but vice versa. We weaken and tire ourselves out and leave no strength for ourselves and our loved ones or our families. The right thing is to catch up sparingly. Two to three times a day.
- Guilt – If we are not connected to the news 24/7 we may feel guilty. We may try to express solidarity or support for family, friends or community by connecting to the news. Again, in practice, we might only become more distressed and struggle to engage with work, school, life.
- The videos and testimonies we are currently exposed to are bigger and more devastating than we can contain. It is important not to overwhelm ourselves more with distressing information assuming we can filter and manage.
- Try to create a routine, even if you don’t feel like it. Give yourselves small daily tasks. Not to be angry at ourselves and for having a hard time functioning optimally right now.
- Take breaks and do distracting things. Play, listen to music, do some physical activity, watch a film. These activities can create calm and distraction.
- Be together, be and talk to people who are supportive and kind.
- Think about how we can help. Even in the smallest thing. What I have to give to others. The feeling that I helped someone is very important and helpful.
- Avoid creating trauma responses to material we watch. Exposure to difficult content such as a video or photo can also be triggering stay in our minds. It can be helpful to talk about images you see.
- Remember that what we often need is to be with others and feel understood. We can’t say that this will all be fine, but we can say about this moment, these awful times now – ‘this too sall pass’.
The leaflet below from Beacon House also outlines some very practical tips for adults supporting children to ask questions, share worries and be clear about what is known or not about distressing and challenging situations.
https://beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Talking-to-children-about-war-and-conflict.pdf
Finally, some question starters for opening up conversations with children at painful times.
https://beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Simple-safe-questions.pdf
I am also attaching some very helpful links for parents/carers, who themselves may well be in ‘survival mode’ not knowing news of hostages or family missing or the impact of such sudden devastating grief or loss. Teachers and care staff may well also appreciate access to support and ideas for themselves and their own families, as well as ideas for children in their care.
Please also look at the following websites for additional support/advice around being alongside children and young people in the aftermath of traumatic events.
http://www.innerworldwork.co.uk/
Resources and support from Karen Treisman: Consultant Clinical Psychologist specialising in trauma and trauma-informed work.
www.safehandsthinkingminds.co.uk
Resources for young people to tackle Antisemitism, Islamophobia and polarisation around the issue of the Israeli- Palestinian conflict in the UK
It may be helpful to signpost some of our young people in schools, colleges or universities to these resources shared by Solutions Not Sides. We are all painfully aware of the possible online and community ramifications of targeted bullying, antisemitism or islamophobia that can arise amongst school students when violence erupts in Israel or the Middle East. Solutions Not Sides seems to be a sound organisation with representatives from across our communities in UK based on human rights and providing educational tools to challenge potential prejudice across communities in schools, education and work resulting from the trauma of this conflict here in the UK. Try this link.
Music and song
Listening to calming music can help us to relax and focus on the present moment. Studies have also found that listening to music helps release endorphins – hormones associated with pleasure -which further reduces stress levels. Here is an example of a spotify play list of music that might soothe souls and create some space for our minds to breathe and take a break from our thoughts and our distress. You may well prefer to create your own, and want to add some Hebrew songs or favourite bands associated with good times. or favourite berachot for familiarity and resonances of happier times and hope for the future.
Hope and Peace
Finally, returning to our values, ethics and hopes has been shown to be contribute to our well being and resilience. Here is a reminder of collective hope – singing in Hebrew, Arabic and English at a mass concert in Haifa, Northern Israel. For a moment, 3000 strangers came together from all different communities – Israelis Palestinians Druze Christians all ages. They were singing together in a community peace project. People had one hour to learn their parts It’s a very moving song about hope peace and no more war ❤️
We will follow up this leaflet with access to a facilitated space to extend this conversation if that might be helpful. We can focus on how we maintain our well-being at some overwhelming signs of sadness and distress. Details of this event will be shared by our events co-ordinator, Beth Franks.
Victoria Mattison (Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Community CAMHS and part of the Muswell Hill Community).